This little pink rabbit is one year old!

Happy Birthday Inara!

The Scientific Diagnosis

It's common observation that women put on weight after marraige. Since Shantan and I have been talking about health programs, a lot of weight[y] issues have cropped up.
We talked of women putting on weight after marriage (especially in India). We joked about the sudden lifestyle changes, letting go of yourself, not having to look for a partner anymore, etc. etc. People just get lazy.

"But what about hormones?". Do women experience a hormonal shift once they are sexually active? Surprisingly, I did not find any information FOR this argument anywhere on the Internet (or at least not in the top 20 Google search results).

Then he said, with a glint in his eye, "you know our bodies learn to adapt as per their requirements".
"What do you mean?"
"Well, if you've got someone heavy on
top of you every night, the muscles have to adapt...."

I just rolled off the chair laughing. We are going to be such scientific health counsellors.
Women, if your hips are exploding post-sex, you're probably sleeping with the fat bastard.

Busy Bee

As always, all things unfold at once. All of a sudden, lots of cool things are swimming around me. Shantan and I are working on a project that aims to trigger a holistic health care movement. He's a bundle of energy, going too fast for me, it's great! My morning yoga classes are going on and keeping me up in the wee hours of dawn. Also created a poster for starting some classes at a gym near by, Power Yoga (I hate that term). I need a crash course in Photoshop [desperately] and some creative writing skills. I haven't used my rusty brain this productively in some time.

Novotel calls and asks me to help them with the pre-opening of their new hotel in town. Tempting. Quick money, fast-paced work, and some cool people. But no, I can't lose my focus now.

I've been introduced to Freemind, a mind-mapping software. I've been playing with it and it reminds me of being back in college, writing algorithms in my MIS classes. Right now, I've been use it for everything, including whether I want to attend a high-school mate's wedding. I'm tripping on it, really.

Anything?

DISCLAIMER: This is an emotional note and all references to anger, hatred, and discomfort refer to effects of hormones and adolescence. I have a loving and understanding family/friends and assure the reader that there were no instances of physical or mental abuse during my childhood.

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It's been two years since I moved back. Time for a little retrospection?

When I realised it's going to be 2 years, the first thing I told myself was that I need to stop starting conversations with "When I moved back....". It's old news now. I'm sure people are rolling their eyes inside their heads :).

I was chatting with my Kathak teacher and we were both complaining about the complacency that comes with life in Hyderabad. In some ways we've both moved from our "ideal" locations to Hyderabad. To digress for a second, I don't really know if NY was my ideal location, but my lifestyle there certainly was. Didi, on the other hand, had moved back from Delhi, the Kathak Mecca of India, hence slightly disillusioned with the scene here. She asked me if I had gained anything in the last two years.

When I left India, I wasn't leaving to pursue a dream education or make life in the so-called land of opportunities. I just needed to get out of Hyderabad. If you knew me then, you'll remember how hard I tried to stay at LSR in Delhi. I had to leave Hyd to find myself. I had been a rebellious teenager trying to break the stale, restrictive norms of the Marwari community and had always suffered with this fierce need for my independence. I dismissed all the advice my parents had for me and nurtured anger and rebellion over a simmering fire that hid inside me. But why was I fighting so hard? Not sure, hormones perhaps?

Sounds like a typical story from a typical Indian girl. It's true, I was in the same boat.

The 6 years that I stayed away, I didn't really crave for anything from here. I didn't miss the Indian food, the movies, the clothes, the family life. Nothing. I did a little dance of joy the day I filled gas in my car on my own. Buzzed when I put down a deposit on my first apartment. In the first few months of working, I was constantly playing with excel sheets to budget my life within my salary. These were all, to me, reasons to sigh in contentment. (glaring defiantly -- laugh all you want)

But once I finally began to feel comfortable with that existence, at peace with having the things I wanted, a recurring internal conflict I had been carrying since the day I graduated college began to nag me. Should I move back to India or stay here? Every time I called home, I felt a tug. I left home with a defiant spirit, will I always relate to it in the same way?

Long silences and disconnection dominated telephone conversations.I wondered if something was wrong with that picture. So far I had managed to suppress all this but was it a sign that they kept coming back again and again? I was scared, of falling prey to same old restrictions and conformations, of not having this easy, independent life anymore.

And I soon realised (well, 3 years later) that the only way I would resolve this conflict is by making the move. "The more scared we are of a calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it."

Looking back, it's been the best thing. I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel secure that I can be whoever I want to be here. My family and community has come around to accept and respect me (even though they think I'm nuts) as an adult. I still feel like leaving Hyderabad to pursue some things I want to do, but this time there is no anger or guilt. I'll come back to visit or to stay again. More importantly, I'll come back with excitement.

So have I gained anything in these two years? Absolutely. I've gained more than I could hope for.

I'm starting some work again. Being on my own, without a specific job or even a specific goal has been hard. It requires unwavering strength and belief that everything will work out the way it needs to. I was running around all over the internet researching what courses or trainings I need to do next and nothing was working out.

While I was muddled, a friend, a senior yoga teacher, reminded me that I shouldn't get obsessed with getting things "right " or achieving anything "too fast" and her words were like cold water thrown in my face. I woke up to all the pressure I had been putting on myself. Pressure to start working, pressure to figure out exactly which type of yoga I want to practice and teach, pressure to carve out a path for the next two to three years. And I also wanted all roads to take me to Singapore in a few months. Under so much pressure, none of the options I had felt right.

Once I let go, things just started working out. I met some old colleagues for lunch and an opportunity to teach yoga in the mornings came out of it. I've been teaching for two days now and while the 5:30am mornings sound really crazy, I'm elated as I drive to the class in the mornings. Am working on collaborations with other teachers in town and a really amazing workshop in Thailand is coming up in Feb. Suddenly, the pressure has eased and things don't seem as dark anymore!

I realized that all yoga teachers preach "go with the flow" as often as they say Om, but it's the hardest thing to do sometimes. Under pressure, insecurities soar and that can lead to unpredictable symptoms. In my case it often affects my self-esteem which in turn affects how I perceive anything that's said to me (or not said). "Go with the flow" sounds like total bull shit at that time.

Facebooked

I joined Facebook after much resistance. I had been Orkutised before that and I was miserable. I hated the scrapbook, the fact that anyone could follow your conversations with your friends, and that it was fucking addictive. I spent weeks browsing profiles to see what all my old acquaintances were up to.

Then came Facebook with the promise of privacy. I'll give it that much, it is relatively more private. But a few weeks after I had joined, I began to feel harassed again. Old schoolmates, acquaintances, and acquaintances of acquaintances sent out friend requests. "Apoorva, this is xyz, your best friend's roommater from 6 years ago, we met once, remember?". Um, yeah, sort of, vaguely, but not really.

My first instinct was to add them all and then I paused, do I really want to TALK to all these people? And even if I did, here's the catch. Once you accept the friend request, most people don't even turn around to say hello. You're just a plus one to the number of friends in their network giving them satisfaction that they've captured you. So what IS the point?

I decided that this forum is going to be for my FRIENDS only. So far I've been ignoring friend requests from people who don't really fit in that category. I promise I'm not saying this with any arrogant intent. It doesn't matter if they are nice or interesting. It's just that I don't really want to start new relationships with people I haven't connected with in a long time or, er, ever before. Managing a 100-odd network of people is a lot of work....all the poking, slaying, scrabbling, and viewing updates on what EVERYONE in your network is up to can be a day job altogether.

The irony of it all is that 2 years from now, I'll find myself at a high school reunion, blacklisted and ignored. I'll be the victim of the "you didn't add me on facebook" crime.

STOP THAT NOISE

It's Diwali again. It comes around pretty quickly doesn't it.

Is it wrong to not enjoy Diwali? Yeah, yeah, festival of lights, love, and ...blah. Play lots of cards, watch lots of fireworks (or lose lots of money and choke in the feckin' pollution).

The beauy, for me, no longer exists. Relatives no longer come around, it's too much of a formality and the traffic sucks. We no longer make long lists of things we need to buy, we're shopping all year round ( I'm just gonna pull out a sari I've never worn). We no longer sit at the gate making flower garlands and designing rangolis. Everything is ready-made in the market. No longer excited about puris and halwa that are made on this day only, we eat puris whenever we want now.

I know you'll argue that I need to get a better attitude and then it will be fun. But I'm enjoying being a grumpy scrooge about it all. I feel scornful and I'm lovin' it. I'd rather go watch Om Shanti Om or Saawariya than sit at home and listen to the neighbors go wild with fireworks.

Speaking of fireworks, the latest marketing trend in fireworks packaging is to splash seductive pictures the likes of Cindy Crawford and Catherine Zeta Jones on the boxes. "It gives the impression that these are international standard firecrackers". Really? Cindy Crawford selling the Flower Pots?

Swasdee Kha

9 days in Thailand. Got home last night. Gee, I can barely keep up with my world-trotting ways. (i can't believe I said Gee).

I captured hundreds of images of all the spectacular sights, intimate moments, and hilarious situations, but all in my head. I didn't take a camera with me, so you'll have to crawl inside my brain to get a visual idea of what I was seeing. I regretted not having one, but on day 9, as I lounged in a little riverside park in BK, watching the annual Royal river parade float by, I thought "this is freedom". Everyone else around me was frantically clicking away, pressing into the crowd so they could reach the riverfront. My perch, about 100 mts away from this frenzy, allowed me to soak in the sun and the parade, all at once.

I don't really know if I saw Bangkok as one is supposed to and I don't care. I was in no mood to do any sightseeing. It was a response to my recent trip to Europe where we did nothing but run from one historical site to another. We stayed at a really cute guesthouse located in a dirty back alley of Khao San road, the ultimate backpackers area. The minute we stepped onto the road, my senses came alive. The food (I squealed in excitement over all the street food), the shops, the people, the energy....I was ON. My first 36 hours in Bangkok were filled with love and laughter, coffee and conversations, delicious Thai food.....I could go on and on.

From BK, we head to Koh Samui, a spectacular island in the Gulf of Thailand. The highlight of the entire trip was the ferry ride from Dansuk (on the coast of the mainland) to the island. The sun had just set and as the darkness deepened, the sky canopied over us tingling with a million stars. We lay on the deck in the cool breeze feeling mellow and happy.

Koh Samui was Wet. Er, someone forgot to check the weather before we got there. Our mission shifted from kayaking to neighboring islands and sub-bathing to navigating the slushy streets in order to find the best green curry on the island. We practised yoga on most mornings, were brutally sore on others. We got to dip in the ocean on just one day. But I would go back for sure.

If you don't have some baht to spare, don't go to Thailand. I had a hard time controlling myself from buying music, films, clothes, knicknacks. It's so bloody cheap. I've come back with about 10 new music cds, 6 films, 3 TV Show seasons, 6 used books (titles that I normally can't find in India).

Wow, this recap is too long. I better stop now. If you want to know more, meet me at Crosswords for a cup of coffee!

You Make Loving Fun

Sweet wonderful you,
You make me happy with the things you do,
Oh, can it be so,
This feeling follows me wherever I go.

I never did believe in miracles,
But I've a feeling it's time to try,
I never did believe in the ways of magic,
But I'm beginning to wonder why.

Don't, don't break the spell,
It would be different and you know it will,
You, you make loving fun,
And I don't have to tell you but you're the only one.

You make loving fun.
You make loving fun