I've cracked it

People like me who come to things like yoga, buddhism, and other systems that can help them create a better life often reach a conclusion that they seem to be "sorted out". We live life wearing serene confidence on our sleeves, wearing flowy clothes that will allow us to waft along with life, in disillusion that it cannot touch us anymore. "Ah, we've found peace."

All it takes is a single moment to get crushed.

For the last few years, I've been in and out of conversations where we've talked about "accepting" yourself. "Sure", I thought. "How hard is that"?

I've fought for what I wanted, moved cities, moved countries, changed professions, chosen lifestyles, and rebelled against all standards expected of me. I thought I was accepting myself.

I concluded that I come from a turbulent history so therefore I have a lot of work to do to learn to enjoy life. I thought I was accepting myself.

I realized that sometimes I feel really fragile but say to myself that I need to work on becoming stronger. I thought I was accepting myself.

I had missed the point.

Acceptance does not come with an action plan. It comes with letting yourself be. It is the difference between: "This is a part of me" rather than "This is something I need to work on". Acceptance, like meditation, is a state of mind. One where there is no judgment. No more. No less.

On and off I find that a strange fear overcomes me. I could never put my finger on it. I brood and ponder looking for more things I can "work" on. Too much of self-improvement can, in turn, lead to a confused self-esteem.

Now I know. The fear translates to "I'm imperfect".

This imperfection has interfered with various relationships at different points in time. This is where the baggage plugs in. I wanted to be perfect in all my relationships so that I can eradicate all pain. I didn't want to be the one that tolerated endlessly. And I didn't want to be the other extreme that was irrational and unreasonable. But I ended up being both at different times.

This time I am letting myself be. I have ups and downs, the good, bad, and ugly, likes and dislikes. I'm okay with that.

Make no assumptions

During a patient consultation, the squirmiest moment an Indian doctor goes through is asking a patient if she is pregnant, especially if her marital status is not known.

This week, I visited the Orthopedic doctor's office. As he was shooting his questions about height, weight, age, etc. I was waiting for the cringe moment of the consultation. And it arrived moments later --

Doctor: er, (looking away outside the window), are you married?
Me: No, doctor
Doctor: (back to looking me in the eye) Ok then no problem. . We can get the x-rays done (pregnant women shouldn't be exposed to x-rays).

The truth is that most Indian doctors are unprofessional enough to acknowledge that an unmarried woman may be pregnant. Not only is this common sense (duh, did the doc learn anything at med school?) but as further proof, the popular national weeklys (India Today, Week, etc.) have published surveys that it is quite likely that the urban 20-30-something woman is sexually active without marriage. When are they going to get their act together and simply ask "Do you think you could be pregnant?". My friends and I have come across this even when we were living abroad where Indian doctors couldn't face up to the "immoral character" of their Indian patients.

After the doctor's consultation, I went on to get my x-rays. The technician took all the details to get me under the machine when he suddenly went, "Are you Miss or Mrs.?".

Sigh.

The x-ray process is a whole other story. They tell me to get behind a flimsy curtain to change into a ratty, smelly robe. "All garments off", get naked. I was uncomfortable (the door was closed) and my defenses shot up. However, I told myself to get over it (hopefully he's professional enough not to peek) and changed into the robe only to realise there are no buttons, velcro strips, or strings to secure this damn robe. This was just not cool. For a society that is prudish enough to assume that in India "not married equals not pregnant" it doesn't seem to give a second thought to the idea that it could be uncomfortable for an [indian] woman to strut around the x-ray room naked.

I created a stink and a half and insisted on changing into my garments.

These are the days

February gets two thumbs up from me. I've had a fantastic month and have been on a roll with everything going on.

The first part of the month took me to Singapore and Thailand .

I skipped Bangkok and flew straight to Chiang Mai in northern Thailand. As usual, I forgot to check the weather and landed into a cold wave without any warm clothes. A 5-minute visa process (as opposed to the 4 hours it took in BK back in November) and I was on my way to the resort, which was an old tobacco curing farm converted into an eco-friendly, down-to-earth resort. I was there to attend an Anusara Yoga workshop with about 50 other people from all over the world. Other than 5 hours of class time (asana and theory) , long meals in the mango tree orchard, and lazy afternoons by the pool I don't really remember much. I've always experienced a bit of conflict over the approach to yoga in the West and India and I think this workshop helped me bridge the gap a little (more about that later).

After Chiang Mai, I flew into Singapore for one of the best vacations I've ever had. Living in that city back a lot of memories of life in NY. It's a self-reliant, energy-packed existence where you can easily fill your day. There was a carefree element to my days there. I had forgotten how much I liked public transportation and how much more reading and listening to music I got done on the trains.

APSD is an incredible host - right from the moment he picks you up until the last wave of good bye - and I got to share some of his life with him. I watched 9 movies in that short span which is more than what I'll watch in 9 weeks by myself in Hyderabad. The highlight of the trip was the party at his house on my last night there. It was a hilarious treat to watch him run frantically between the 4 entrances of apartment building because he never knew which gate his guest had arrived at. It was also amusing (and a little heart-stopping) when he almost set himself on fire at the BBQ grill.

Back in Hyderabad, I had no choice but to jump into the crazy swing of things. My work at the Novotel required a lot of attention and my students had been waiting for me to be back. I have about 8-9 students in my class right now and every night we've been spending a high-energy hour in the yoga room. The counseling class is really fun and Kathak is on as usual. Just chugging along everyday.

No traveling for me for the next two months, I've got to stay and work a little. I've been feeling a little uninspired about writing to this blog for a couple of months now, but maybe this is a good start again.

Until lightning strikes again.....